With my parents knowing what I had become and be blaming myself for what had happened I was in a state of despair. I had lost everything I had ever known. Martyn had run away to be safe and left me to take the blame for what had happened.
People didn’t understand then, what it was, I was groomed and exploited but at the time they all believed it was something I had wanted, I was the one in the wrong. The look of disgust on everyone’s faces made me feel dirty. I had shamed my family.
My parents did nothing but shout, my brothers either ignored me or went in about what they wanted to do to Martyn. They didn’t understand that it wasn’t helping, to them her was a peadofile to me he was the man who loved me, the knot one who had been there, I believed in my innocence that one day he would come back and fix everything like he had done in the past…. He never came back.
It took a long time to realise that it wasn’t a relationship, that.i was used for sex. When that realisation came it was like I didn’t know who I was, everything was based on a lie and the family that should have protected me helped to cause the pain. I know they where hurt and where just projecting but they where making me feel isolated and shamed, everyday was the same over and over until.i had to go.
I left home after what had happened and I never went back. The bond I had with my mum especially had gone and it couldn’t be fixed. To me I was a let down in her eyes and even now I never feel I can match up to her idea of me because of what happened then. She won’t talk about it, it’s brushed under the carpet, part of me wants her to tell me it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t a who’re. The other part of me wants her her to take blame for failing as a parent.
I know this sounds harsh but I’m angry and I’m looking to blame someone, I can’t blame him, well I couldn’t I had Stockholm syndrome and he was idealised in my world for a long time. My mum knows the other hand should have seen, should have protected me but she didn’t, although I know deep down this wasn’t her fault I can’t get the thoughts out of my head.
She doesn’t understand the damage everything has caused, I have no trust for anyone, I am easily manipulated especially by males its like I walk round with a sign on my head that.im an easy target.
Sex has become something that is done to please a male only recently have I ever found pleasure in sex, before this it was just a chore, even if I didn’t want to have sex I would.just do it but.it would be empty and meaningless but.i had become numb emotionally from everything, it was like the world was moving but I was standing still… Trapped in the living hell of abuse