mirror

it has become clear to me recently that for some reason I mirror my feelings onto others. my resentment, my anger and my low self worth are all part of the mirroring process.

I understand I do this to people but I can not stop myself. its called the life and death instinct apparently. according to freud self destructive behaviour is an expression of the energy created by death instincts. When this instinct is directed to others it is expressed as aggression or violence.

so in simple terms I will spend my life building myself up using the  life instinct to want to progress and be a better person however the death instinct that I so clearly have will the destroy my hard work so I have to start again.

and how do we fix this??!?

by talking apparently, which I do, I have discussed my past, my present my expectations for the future however I still have the need to destroy myself and to mirror my feelings onto others so I can make them feel like I do, and to be honest I hate being this person. but its who I am.

I believe its not what’s in my conscious that is the problem its what is in my sub- conscious that is causing me these issues, these will be things I have purposely forgotten and buried to save myself from them. however they are clearly still haunting me in some way so maybe now its time to start digging and exposing what I have hidden from myself

 

 

Perpetrator to victim 

OK so today is more of a rant than a blog because I am sick of the person that caused me all the pain thinking they are a victim.

When I work on a Thursday the children go to there dad’s to spend time with him and their nan. I get there today and all I hear is how he has been at work all day and doesn’t need to hear the bickering, phones, arguing and fighting between them. 

My response; yes you work you haven’t seen them all week, I have to deal with bad behaviour, attitude etc every day of the week. I work, I study I care for my mum but hey I’m sorry our children have interrupted your week. 

It’s always the same, anything they do wrong is my fault he now seems to think he is a better parent than me. What!! You where on crack, you beat me, you beat your other baby mum and you stole from your own children but God forbid because you went to prison and paid your debt to society so you seem to think it’s all supposed to be forgotten. 

The moment you raised a hand to me you stopped being a parent, you stopped being human. 

I try and I try and I try but still you get under my skin, you make me second guess myself, you make my blood boil. Sometime I wish you could step into my shoes and see what you have done to me and what I actually Ave to cope with daily. 

Destruct.

I am a person that knows what level of hurt I can bring on people and myself. I surround myself with destructive people. I listen to their stories and their lives and can use these things against them if I need to to protect myself. It’s not something I have always done but I do now. I prepare to destroy people before they do it to me. It’s a dog eat dog world out their and I have had my fair share of hurt and I won’t have anymore. 

Not only do I destroy others I do it to myself. When something makes me happy I believe it can’t be real or won’t last so I destroy it in a way I will never find that kind of happiness again. Relationships, friendships and jobs are all a part of this list and I can not control myself to stop doing it. It’s almost part of a coping mechanism for the what ifs that could happen. 

I don’t need others to destroy my life anymore I’m more than capable of doing it myself and although I hate myself for doing it, it’s now a part of who I am. 

My childhood

Growing up for me was weird. My mum became disabled when I was 4. At that time we lived in a pub, me my brothers mum and dad. I only remember very little of this time. I remember my mum went to hospital for a long time and we had to move house as she wasn’t able to cope running a pub again. I believe I blocked a lot of this out as a child. My most vivid childhood memory was when a nanny my parents had hired was leaving because my mum was home and able to care for us with help of family. My mum was crying she was worried she couldn’t cope with us and that she would let us down. Never in my life has my mum ever let me down she is my inspiration and my rock. I have known from a young age that her life would be hard and she would loose all mobility at some point and possibly not be there for us at all. Yet to everyone’s amazement she studied through boredom of being home and gained a degree? She got a job and worked hard and I couldn’t have been more proud of her. However through her working all the time and my dad having a job also no one was at home. Things where missed by them wanting to have the perfect life. My brother had a coke addiction and I was being groomed whilst my younger brother was bullied and hated life. I don’t blame my parents for anything that has happened in my life it’s not worth it. Hate is a wasted emotion in my eyes. As a family goes we are perfect from the outside but behind closed doors we are far from it. I don’t speak with my older brother, I can’t be honest with my dad dude to him having a short fuse and I fear for my mum. Everything I get a call to say she in hospital I think it’s the last time I’m got  to see her. That her time is up. It makes me go into my she’ll for a few days. I have suffered with depression for many years but I don’t let it hold me back. I have good days and real bad days where I don’t want to get up I don’t want to even be here. However one thing my mum has taught me is you deal with the hand your dealt and you use it to its full potential.

Blame 

According to my ex it is my fault our child has anger issues. I spoilt her, I didn’t raise her right. 

POT AND KETTLE!!!! 

Our child from a young age heard raised voices, crying and violence. I also fooled myself that she never heard anything but I know she did. 

She has seen her mother be weak at the hands of a man and she has seen a man she adores raise his hands to to the woman who gave birth to her.

I know she is angry. I know she has lived a life that no child should have to but who the hell is he to blame me. Like his actions have no consequences.

In his tiny mind he actually believes that because he went to prison he has paid his price for all the pain he caused. He will never pay that price.

We get on well now, don’t get me wrong but I have put my feelings aside for our children. it takes to Much energy to hate someone and it doesn’t change anything. 

In the mean time our children our suffering because of the past, pointing blame isn’t going to fix the problem and I spent most of our relationship being a failure and I’m certainly not failing as a mother.

Who am I?

I’m a rush of emotions, I want to know who I am what in my life defines my existence? 

Am I the victim I have been referred to so many times? Like I was helpless, like I didn’t try to change things, victim? Victim? Victim? No stop using that word to define women who have been abused, we survived it we live to tell the story and change the way people see us. The victims…. no we are survivors.

Am I the girl that was groomed? I was groomed yes and I was a child, I was emotionally, sexualy and psychically abused but I’m not that person. That doesn’t define my life it’s an incident that happened to me that I wish to forget but never shall.

Am I the rape victim? Again this is an incident that happened to me it is not who I am and due to my own choice not many people know this happened to me as I’m ashamed of it. And I always will be. Just another price of me was taken by a man.

I am a daughter, a sister, a mother, a aunt, a student, a youth worker, a friend, a lover, a woman, I am so many things yet all the dark things overshadow who and what I am. The depression now defines me, every man has took something from me and left me with gifts of low self esteem, jealousy, anger, sadness, hatred, sarcasm, guards, loneliness and sever depression. 

The gifts I was left with make me evil like them and I can’t stand it they have tainted me and everything they ever did seems to define me but that isn’t me that’s them I want to be me be seen as a person with feelings and not bad ones. I am lost at the moment. The drink used to block this all out but I stopped and I changed my life but now I have to face the things I have run away from and tried to forget before I can find who I really am. 

Feeling

I lay here with my headphone n just thinking, I should be happy I got a job I have worked hard to get, I’m going to uni, I have great people around me yet tears roll down my cheeks and I don’t know why. I hate this part of me, everyone else knows why they cry, I don’t.  What I do know is when I want to cry about things I can’t I am emotionally dead inside.

I want to cry that my mum is in so much pain and we can’t do anything about it.

I want to cry that all I have ever known in my life is sadness and destruction but that isn’t me. 

The person I have become is cold, cruel and heartless. It’s like I want everyone to feel what I do inside but they never can. They never will understand what my life has been like. 

My life has been a whirl wind of hurt. Different forms of abuse from the age of 15 and now my head doesn’t know where it is anymore. I dedicate what little bit of me I have left to helping others not fall in the traps I did, maybe I thought it would make me feel better about my life but it doesn’t. I literally feel nothing. I want to feel again.