Dying would be a pleasure

I feel your hands on my skin

I’m screaming  from within 

This isn’t love like you said

You just wanted me in your bed 

I was manipulated and lied to 

I stupidly gave everything for you.

History repeats itself  in different ways

now I’m wasting the last of my days

Thinking of all the men that used me for their pleasure 

The pain inside I can’t even measure 

Dying is a dream for me not a nightmare 

Although.you see me I really wish I wasn’t there. 

Dying is a dream, dying would be a pleasure 

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Hating myself 

I am not dirty, but I feel it. I am not a who’re, but I feel it. I am not a failure but I feel it. 

Now I feel these things it comes through my personality, everyone thinks I’m one thing when really I’m not. I’m a fraud, I am damaged, I am broken I am bruised I am nothing. 

I try to be everything I’m not bit it is crumbling down around me, I can’t hold back my tears, my feelings or.who I am. I’m not.in control anymore and I can’t stop the world from spiralling out of control around me. I can’t control anything. I’m back there at a time when I had no control and I can’t breath, I cut to make it go away but it doesn’t. I destroy everything around me to feel OK but I don’t. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I’m always going to be this damaged person, that’s disgusting that’s used I’m unfit for anything. Yet.on the outside I’m non of this.

running

everything that happened to me as child has made it difficult for me to handle emotions,i have been on anti depressant for years yet still struggle daily to feel normal. the past few days I just haven’t been able to cope,things have been tough. it all started when I made a comment about a friend of mine fancying a guy i was close to, any way they had been messaging regarding me for a while which I knew I was ok with that, sort of. i always had my doubts as to what was being said but I felt I needed to trust them as she was a friend and he knows how I feel about him, how much I care for him.

well it seems that all wasn’t as I thought and things where being exchanged that should be she was asking him to meet with her for sex and he was telling her things I had trusted him with and confiding in her about me. eventually he came clean because I had a gut feeling however I feel  betrayed and he doesn’t understand that. he feels because he said something that it was ok, he admits he went to far but still just doesn’t seem to get how I’m feeling about it.

I have tried so hard not to let my insecurities ruin things but I can’t help it, I was honest he knew how I felt about things and he has broken my trust yet still I want him with me I need him by side to help me get through things yet  we have decided to call things a day and leave it. this is more his choice because he doesn’t want to keep hurting me but I think that is bollox if you don’t want to hurt someone then you don’t we all have the capability to control our actions and words before we speak apart from him apparently.

I think this is the ultimate letdown, the things i am going through have been caused with his help and now he wants to done and be free to get on whilst I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. he has just taken the last bit of faith in men I had and walked away with it. if he can’t be there for me when he knows i need him then I cant have him in my life at all ever, every trace will be deleted and every item will be gone. I don’t want to do this but i feel I have put up with so much and forgiven so much that he should be there till the end and he isn’t. it breaks my heart how I have stood by him through thick and thin and he walks away with the most pathetic of excuses. when he can control what he does. at this moment in time I am so low I don’t know what to do with myself my medication isn’t working, running away didn’t work… I just want to feel free from everything once again

Trust

It takes allot for me to trust someone after the life I have lead but when I do I will trust them with everything I will bare my soul to them, things that I have never told anyone I have confided in someone. They don’t know how much it has took for me to do this, yet it’s still not enough for people. I don’t trust people because those I have in the past have used things to manipulate me or against me and I feel it’s happening again. I feel that someone I have in my life that knows everything about me is using what I have told them to hurt me. I don’t jnserstand it. They let me down and I get apologies but.actiins don’t change, they go behind my back to talk to my friends about me knowing that this would be an issue for me as I have such low self esteem that I believe they are trying to move on to my friends. I know they told me what was said but only when I asked so I feel like things are being hidden from me, I see conversations that are about me and the things discussed are personal to me and hearing that he views me this way breaks me because I would give my all for him, I protect him more than he knows and I just feel stabbed in the back. But you can’t help who u love 

The next chapter

With my parents knowing what I had become and be blaming myself for what had happened I was in a state of despair. I had lost everything I had ever known. Martyn had run away to be safe and left me to take the blame for what had happened. 

People didn’t understand then, what it was, I was groomed and exploited but at the time they all believed it was something I had wanted, I was the one in the wrong. The look of disgust on everyone’s faces made me feel dirty. I had shamed my family. 

My parents did nothing but shout, my brothers either ignored me or went in about what they wanted to do to Martyn. They didn’t understand that it wasn’t helping, to them her was a peadofile to me he was the man who loved me, the knot one who had been there, I believed in my innocence that one day he would come back and fix everything like he had done in the past…. He never came back.

It took a long time to realise that it wasn’t a relationship, that.i was used for sex. When that realisation came it was like I didn’t know who I was, everything was based on a lie and the family that should have protected me helped to cause the pain. I know they where hurt and where just projecting but they where making me feel isolated and shamed, everyday was the same over and over until.i had to go.

I left home after what had happened and I never went back. The bond I had with my mum especially had gone and it couldn’t be fixed. To me I was a let down in her eyes and even now I never feel I can match up to her idea of me because of what happened then. She won’t talk about it, it’s brushed under the carpet, part of me wants her to tell me it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t a who’re. The other part of me wants her her to take blame for failing as a parent.

I know this sounds harsh but I’m angry and I’m looking to blame someone, I can’t blame him, well I couldn’t I had Stockholm syndrome and he was idealised in my world for a long time. My mum knows the other hand should have seen, should have protected me but she didn’t, although I know deep down this wasn’t her fault I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. 

She doesn’t understand the damage everything has caused, I have no trust for anyone, I am easily manipulated especially by males its like I walk round with a sign on my head that.im an easy target. 

Sex has become something that is done to please a male only recently have I ever found pleasure in sex, before this it was just a chore, even if I didn’t want to have sex I would.just do it but.it would be empty and meaningless but.i had become numb emotionally from everything, it was like the world was moving but I was standing still… Trapped in the living hell of abuse